Missing Peephole

I stayed in a hotel recently and there was no peephole in the door. There was a hole in the door, drilled straight through, but instead of the little brass and glass device thingy, there was a wad of toilet paper.

This led to a series of thoughts on the missing peephole.

I first assumed the peephole had been stolen. But who steals the peephole? A really small pirate was the only answer I could come up with but I had to reject that idea because a pirate small enough to use the peephole for a telescope would not have been tall enough to steal the peephole, nor would he be big enough to wield the tools necessary for the heist.

Then I thought perhaps I was jumping to conclusions, thinking the worst of humanity. Maybe no one had stolen the peephole. Maybe no peephole had ever been installed in the door. The door had been manufactured, the hole drilled, but no peephole installed. I was not staying in a classy joint. It could have been a cost saving maneuver. There had to be fifty to a hundred doors in the hotel. Management may have decided to not have the peepholes installed to save $50 to $100 dollars. They had, after all, decided that clocks, coffee pots, and basic cable were superfluous, why not skip the peephole?

I investigated. The other rooms seemed to have peepholes installed.

So I was back to thinking the worst of humanity, back to someone having pilfered my peephole.

It had to be nefarious. A passage from a book I had read came to mind. The bad guys knocked on the hotel room door and when the guy inside the hotel room looked out the peephole to see who it was, the bad guys held a pistol to the peephole and shot the guy inside the room through the eye. Nasty.

I looked around the room but saw no signs of splatter or gunshot residue. That wasn’t immediately reassuring. The room was not particularly clean. There were hairs and nail clippings aplenty from other guests, but no body in any of the obvious hiding places. So, if there had been a killing, a shot through the peephole, then it had to have been a professional job. After the murder the killers had entered the room, removed the body and cleaned the blood and splatter as to leave no evidence. I started to worry that the same fate might befall me, but smiled when I realized that since there was no peephole, I would not be falling for the ol ‘looking through the peephole’ ruse and thus I would not be shot through the eye.

But why, if these killers were so competent, had they not replaced the peephole? That’s easy enough to figure out. If you are on your way to a professional hit you ask yourself, “Do I have my gun, latex gloves, tarp, rubber booties, jumpsuit, bullets, silencer, bucket, scrub brush and bleach?” It is a long list. You can be forgiven for forgetting to bring a replacement peephole in the proper caliber. Once.

The most boring explanation for the missing peephole was that someone on the outside of the door wanted to see inside the door and since peepholes only work one way, said person somehow jimmied the peephole out of the door and had a look. To make this scenario more exciting I postulate the following: I doubt the task of removing the peephole was accomplished silently and so maybe when the outside guy put his eye to the now empty hole, the inside guy had his gun ready. Or least a pencil.

Of course the perpetrator could have been a highly skilled, proficient peephole remover and thus carried out his task without noise, but I doubt there is a separate class of criminal who specialize in clandestine peephole removal.

In each of these cases I have assumed that a guy removed the peephole. This is not sexism. You know as well I do that no woman removed that peephole.

My last thought on the missing peephole at that time, and I say ‘at that time’ because I have obviously dwelt on the missing peephole, was “What genius thought the best, most secure, way to fix a missing peephole is to shove toilet paper in the hole?”

I shrugged and lay down on the bed hoping I would not need the peephole. Or toilet paper. And I sharpened my pencil.

copyright 2014 B. Lepp

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4 Responses to Missing Peephole

  1. Gabrielle Green says:

    Hilarious!

  2. anita says:

    Bil Lepp. Funniest storyteller in the world.

  3. Laura says:

    How did you know it was toilet paper and not kleenex??

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