Dear National News Media,
I know that Justin Bieber is in danger of being deported and that that is critical, vital news, because he is a poor little rich kid who derives his power and status from your constant coverage of him and because all cable news shows seem to aspire to the journalistic greatness of People and US. I understand you guys need each other to thrive… but should that story become tiresome please remember that there are 300000 people in West Virginia who are still dealing with a water crisis.
And for all you hick-haters who think we are just a bunch of hillbillies, this does not mean that someone upstream shat in our crik. Hold on, that is exactly what it means. Three weeks ago 10000 gallons of chemicals spilled into our water system, but that does not make us hicks. In fact, it makes us very much like Justin Bieber. And here’s how:
Like Justin Bieber, West Virginia has an abundance of raw material that is valuable on the open market.
Like Justin Bieber, people have taken advantage of our resources. In Mr. Bieber’s case, there were adults who saw how to exploit his talent to make money. In West Virginia’s case, there were companies and government officials who saw the value of our resources.
In both cases, those folks who should have been responsible- managers, parents, government officials- neglected the physical and mental well being of their charge or charges in order to make a profit. (Granted, Mr. Bieber and the citizens of WV are not blameless in these cases. There had to be some come along.)
Justin Bieber has, or so the reports suggest, ingested chemicals that are not supposed to go in the human body. If he took drugs and drank alcohol, and I am in no position to say he did, then he likely did it willingly. We West Virginians also ingested chemicals, only we were just drinking water and showering.
And finally, as with Mr. Bieber, all West Virginians have great hair and drive Lamborghinis.