Since the DNR has instituted and early bear hunt this season, I thought I might offer some advice to novice bear hunters on how to hunt bear.
One: Know that you are hunting bear to begin with.
Bear hunting is not a ‘spur of the moment’ activity. If you are in the woods and see a bear, and then decide, “I am hunting bear,” you are at a distinct disadvantage. You probably won’t have the proper equipment at hand. It is another matter altogether if a bear suddenly sees you and decides, “I am hunting people.” Bears are born with the proper equipment to hunt you. If the bear initiates the hunt, you cannot then decide, “I am hunting bear.” At that point you are not hunting. You are screwed.
Two: Have a weapon capable of dramatically halting a bear’s forward progress.
A big rifle is the best choice. A big rifle that holds a lot of bullets. Some bear hunters use bows and arrows, but people who hunt bears with bow and arrows are generally people who are not rich enough to be Republicans, and thus cannot afford guns, which is why Walter Mondale and Al Gore never shot a guy in the face. Arrows are so remarkably slow that you can usually get out of the way before they hit you, especially if you are a bear, or a Democrat. And most bears are Democrats. We know this because even though they could eat meat all the time, they often eat skunk-cabbage and berries instead.
Three: Remember, bears are not aardvarks.
You cannot hunt bears the same way you can hunt aardvarks. Everybody knows that you can stop an aardvark by saying, “Oh man, here comes that crazy aardvark,” and then grabbing it by its long nose and smacking it into a tree, or the ground. This will not work on a bears because bears are not aardvarks. Furthermore, bears and aardvarks often share trade secrets and thus bears have found a way to cleverly disguise their abnormally long noses. Additionally, aardvarks are not Democrats.
Four: Start with small bear, then work your way up.
Start with the smaller bear species. Black bears, for example, would be a good place to start. Polar bears and Kodiaks would be poor first choices. And koala bears, while small, are not bears- despite their name. They are cunning and untrustworthy marsupials. Untrustworthy marsupials are not fun to hunt because sometimes they just pretend to be dead, until you put them in your pocket, at which point they set up house and then you have to explain to everyone why you have a marsupial in your pants. Plus, a lot of marsupials are amateur magicians and are always saying, “Look- nothing in my pocket.” And then they turn their pockets inside out, which can be rather disgusting. One advantage, however, to having a koala around is that if you are walking in the woods with a koala, and you meet a real bear, often the two will begin to argue about the koala’s ‘bear’ status. These are often long arguments and so if, during the argument, you decide, “I am hunting bear,” you will likely have time to run home, get a weapon, and then sneak up on the real bear while it is distracted by the lying marsupial. Panda bears should not be hunted because they are extinct.
Four: Don’t hunt bear naked.
This sends the wrong message.
Five: Locate suitable bear habitat.
Find an area to which it is financially reasonable for you to travel. You don’t want to waste all your money just getting to the place where you are going to hunt. Let’s face it, you probably aren’t coming back, so leave a little cash behind for the family. Go somewhere close to home. Some suitable bear habitats include: the woods, dark caves, dumpsters, campgrounds, and, presently, Wall Street. Zoos are not suitable bear hunting habitats. Nor is Soldier Field.
Six: Go hunt bear!
Once you have decided to hunt bear, have outfitted yourself with a suitable weapon, dressed, chosen a destination, and checked your pockets for marsupials, you are ready to hunt bear. Good luck.
Note on hunting licenses and permits:
Licenses and permits are not needed to hunt bears. Bears are considered to be varmints because they often get into garbage cans, and because they are often Democrats. There is even some data suggesting that polar bears hold to the liberal-minded idea that their habitat is shrinking.
Note on Tree Stands:
Some bear hunters prefer to use a tree stand. Tree stands are platforms way up in trees from which the hunter can scan a large area of terrain, and sit comfortably. Tree stands also provide the hunter a safe place to be should a bear decide to hunt humans. Everybody knows bears can’t climb trees. This stems from their group insurance policy deeming tree climbing a dangerous activity. So, for insurance reasons, the only bear you are likely to find in a tree is a koala bear, and they are not bears- no matter what they tell you. Therefore, it is unnecessary to hunt bears from a tree stand. Incidentally, bears have been strongly urged by their life insurance companies to not engage in the sport of being hunted.